Monday, April 14, 2008

I was surfing around looking for a party, celebration or school quote to put on the top of our end-of-year school party invitation, and ran across some Jack handy quotations. these always make me laugh, so I'm sharing a few with you. I know my sister loves them as well, so maybe she'll add a few of her favorites in the comments. I remember one that had to do with some keys and a volcano or something--D--do you remember that one?

"If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd work."

"If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not."

“Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.”


"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you."

“When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.”

“To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks."

1 comment:

Nell said...

I LOVE Jack Handy quotes.

“Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.”

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?”

“If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.”

"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."

"If you ever accidentally drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone."

Man, I could go on and on. Oh, I did. I am laughing so hard.